Funny Story From Way, Way Back

My cousin David and I were always together when we were kids. Nine times out of ten we were doing something that our mamas would have slapped us for if they ever caught us. As I was sitting outside today, watching the squirrels run around like crack fiends, I was reminded of a funny little story involving me, my cousin David, and a squirrel.

I was about 9 years old and David and I were rollerblading in an empty church parking lot about a block from my house. We were sitting down, taking a break, when a squirrel darted by and jumped down a hole about three feet from us. We looked at each other and I could tell he was thinking the same thing I was; let's catch the squirrel and make him our pet! We practically flew to the hole and started searching for signs of our new pet.

David: (with his arm in the hole) I can feel him! Here, put your arm in!

Me: I'm not putting my arm in there you dumb idiot, squirrels bite and they carry smallpox or something. My mom said.

David: It's not smallpox butt-munch, it's pneumonia.

Me: Whatever, how are we going to get him out?

David: Ooh look, a water hose. We'll flush him out!

Me: Freakin' awesome! But what do we do when he comes out?

David: Uh...we'll grab him and put him that box. (He pointed to a box laying next to the church's dumpster)

Me: Ok, go get the hose butt-munch.

I ran to get the box while David grabbed the hose. He turned the water on full blast and stuck it down the hole.

We waited patiently until finally the squirrel popped his head up. Suddenly, David grabs a stick and pops the squirrel in the head. The squirrel immediately goes limp and sinks back down into the flooded hole.

Me: What did you do that for dummy?

David: Shut up stupid, I thought he was going to jump at me.

Me: Ugh, whatever. Now he's going to drown. We gotta get him out! Grab him.

David: No! You grab him! I don't want to catch smallpox!

I reached into the hole and pulled out the soggy, limp squirrel.

Me: Oh no, we're too late. He's dead.

David: No we can save him! Let's do CPR, I saw it on Rescue 911.

Me: Well, I already knew how to do CPR before you saw it on Rescue 911.

David: So do it then!

David held the squirrel's mouth open as I blew him breath and pumped his chest. After fifteen minutes, we gave up. The squirrel's lifeless body lay on the hot asphalt.

Me: Dude...you killed that poor squirrel!

David: I didn't kill him, you did. You don't even know how to do CPR!

Me: You're the idiot that hit him on the head!

David: Shut up moron, it was your fault.

Me: Whatever. I guess we have to give him a funeral now huh.

David: I guess.

We put the squirrel in the box that was going to be his home and buried him behind the church dumpster. We said a few words and apologized for ending his life (even though it was mostly David's fault).

We put a flower on his little grave every day until I moved.

The PTA and Me

I finally joined the PTA last week. My oldest son, Ryan, is in the first grade Gifted and Talented program and I want to be as involved in his education as possible. I love going to meetings and school events and showing my support. There's only one problem; I feel so damn out of place!

First of all, I'm probably one of the youngest members there. I always feel like the other parents look down on me because of my age and assume that I have less parenting experience. They look at me as if I should be hanging out in a bar instead of a PTA meeting. The funny thing is, I had my first child when I was eighteen. I walked across the stage pregnant. I was immature and had very little "worldly knowledge"; like how to budget, pay bills, etc. Not to mention we were practically broke. But somehow, despite all this, he survived and is not only one of the smartest in his class but also a really great kid. Most of the other parents waited to have children until they were out of college, married, and had completely stable lives. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this of course but I managed to raise an exceptional child even during times when I wasn't sure where our next meal would come from while "the more experienced parents" were worried about where to shop and what color to paint the kitchen.

Another reason I feel out of place is because I dress so differently. See the images below for explanation.

You see what I mean? Now, I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with "real mom" attire, it's just not me.

So combine the way I look and dress with my tattoos and the fact that I smell like cigarettes and it makes for some crazy looks at school functions. Sure, it bothers me at times but then I remember why I'm there in the first place; to support my son. So screw 'em!

At Least I Tried

My to-do list for today consisted of about 8 billion things. You know how many of those things I actually accomplished? About three. All because of my six-month-old who, thanks to his Daddy, needs to be held/entertained AT ALL TIMES! I can't get anything done if I have a slobbering, babbling, hair-pulling baby glued to my side all day.


I tried putting him down for a nap but he woke up as soon as his head hit the pillow. I tried putting him in his play-pin and surrounding him with flashy, noisy toys but he immediately turned bright red and began screaming at me. I tried feeding him but he pushed the bottle out of his mouth and spit milk in my face. I even tried bouncing him on my knee and singing to him while I simultaneously attempted to type and make important phone calls.

He's not happy unless he is the absolute center of attention.

By the time Brandon got home my eyes were bulging, my clothes were covered in slobber and I was missing large clumps of hair. I gave him a "let's switch places" look and handed Bradley over to him.

A few minutes later, Brandon said, "Man, I have so many shows coming on tonight, I don't know how I'm going to juggle them!"

What? Your shows? You're worried about how you're going to juggle YOUR SHOWS!

If only...

My Big Mistake

When someone asks me if I regret anything from my past, I usually answer no. But that's a lie. I regret one thing. One huge mistake that changed my entire life. I suffer the consequences of this terrible decision every single day.

I wish that I had NEVER started smoking!

I took my first puff when I was about twelve. My grandma, who will be known from this point on as Mema, has smoked Salem 100's since the late 60's. She never smokes the whole cigarette but rather takes a few puffs and leaves the rest in an ashtray. Irresistible to a preteen who is dying to look "sophisticated" and "cool". What started as a seemingly innocent way for me to show off in front of my friends quickly turned into something I needed just to get through the day.

Now I smoke a pack a day. At $6 a pack that adds up to be $42 a week and about $186 a month. That's alot of money and what do I get out of it? CANCER!

I've decided to quit smoking and have been trying desperately to do so the past couple weeks. It's just so hard! I can't stop thinking about cigarettes. I have absolutely no willpower! I read somewhere that nicotine is just as addictive as heroine and cocaine. How am I supposed to beat that when I can't even stick to a low-carb diet?

I'm going to keep trying and eventually I WILL STOP SMOKING!

I hope...

I need a cigarette.

Here I blog again

So I'm blogging for the first time in a long time! (Myspace doesn't really count) I had my own domain a few years ago and would do the same now but I'm too damn poor for that. I remember when I started blogging. I was about 13 years old and blogging wasn't such a huge thing then. It was hosted on expage.com and consisted of a boring blog, a terribly unorganized layout and about 6,000 cartoon dollz. Oh yeah, and all the hideous graphics I could make in MS Paint! The navigation was pretty simple; me, you and www. I think it was called Sugar Glitter Sparkle or some lame crap like that. Needless to say, it completely lacked any substance whatsoever. It wasn't so bad I suppose. I mean, didn't we all start out with some dumb, pointless blog? And look at what we started! Everyone blogs now! It's "the thing". Hell, even my dog has a blog and she eats her own poo!

Enough about my smelly dog and her dumb poo. Wait...switch that. Anyway, this blog will probably be mediocre at best. This is where I'll write about my life, happenings in the world, etc. I'll also be posting alot of the goodies I make like graphics, backgrounds, layouts and so on. That way, if my posts bore you to the point of contemplating suicide, you'll have something pretty to print out and write your suicide note on. :P

Done...enough anyway

Good News: Finally finished the layout! Woo hoo! Can't wait to start writing!
Bad News: It's almost midnight and I'm way too tired to write anything right now let alone something remotely interesting. I'll start tomorrow! For now I suppose I'll kill another 30 minutes or so stalking people on myspace. :o

Oh, btw, I'll introduce myself tomorrow!