Funny Story From Way, Way Back
Monday, September 22, 2008
My cousin David and I were always together when we were kids. Nine times out of ten we were doing something that our mamas would have slapped us for if they ever caught us. As I was sitting outside today, watching the squirrels run around like crack fiends, I was reminded of a funny little story involving me, my cousin David, and a squirrel.
I was about 9 years old and David and I were rollerblading in an empty church parking lot about a block from my house. We were sitting down, taking a break, when a squirrel darted by and jumped down a hole about three feet from us. We looked at each other and I could tell he was thinking the same thing I was; let's catch the squirrel and make him our pet! We practically flew to the hole and started searching for signs of our new pet.
David: (with his arm in the hole) I can feel him! Here, put your arm in!
Me: I'm not putting my arm in there you dumb idiot, squirrels bite and they carry smallpox or something. My mom said.
David: It's not smallpox butt-munch, it's pneumonia.
Me: Whatever, how are we going to get him out?
David: Ooh look, a water hose. We'll flush him out!
Me: Freakin' awesome! But what do we do when he comes out?
David: Uh...we'll grab him and put him that box. (He pointed to a box laying next to the church's dumpster)
Me: Ok, go get the hose butt-munch.
I ran to get the box while David grabbed the hose. He turned the water on full blast and stuck it down the hole.
We waited patiently until finally the squirrel popped his head up. Suddenly, David grabs a stick and pops the squirrel in the head. The squirrel immediately goes limp and sinks back down into the flooded hole.
Me: What did you do that for dummy?
David: Shut up stupid, I thought he was going to jump at me.
Me: Ugh, whatever. Now he's going to drown. We gotta get him out! Grab him.
David: No! You grab him! I don't want to catch smallpox!
I reached into the hole and pulled out the soggy, limp squirrel.
Me: Oh no, we're too late. He's dead.
David: No we can save him! Let's do CPR, I saw it on Rescue 911.
Me: Well, I already knew how to do CPR before you saw it on Rescue 911.
David: So do it then!
David held the squirrel's mouth open as I blew him breath and pumped his chest. After fifteen minutes, we gave up. The squirrel's lifeless body lay on the hot asphalt.
Me: Dude...you killed that poor squirrel!
David: I didn't kill him, you did. You don't even know how to do CPR!
Me: You're the idiot that hit him on the head!
David: Shut up moron, it was your fault.
Me: Whatever. I guess we have to give him a funeral now huh.
David: I guess.
We put the squirrel in the box that was going to be his home and buried him behind the church dumpster. We said a few words and apologized for ending his life (even though it was mostly David's fault).
We put a flower on his little grave every day until I moved.
I was about 9 years old and David and I were rollerblading in an empty church parking lot about a block from my house. We were sitting down, taking a break, when a squirrel darted by and jumped down a hole about three feet from us. We looked at each other and I could tell he was thinking the same thing I was; let's catch the squirrel and make him our pet! We practically flew to the hole and started searching for signs of our new pet.
David: (with his arm in the hole) I can feel him! Here, put your arm in!
Me: I'm not putting my arm in there you dumb idiot, squirrels bite and they carry smallpox or something. My mom said.
David: It's not smallpox butt-munch, it's pneumonia.
Me: Whatever, how are we going to get him out?
David: Ooh look, a water hose. We'll flush him out!
Me: Freakin' awesome! But what do we do when he comes out?
David: Uh...we'll grab him and put him that box. (He pointed to a box laying next to the church's dumpster)
Me: Ok, go get the hose butt-munch.
I ran to get the box while David grabbed the hose. He turned the water on full blast and stuck it down the hole.
We waited patiently until finally the squirrel popped his head up. Suddenly, David grabs a stick and pops the squirrel in the head. The squirrel immediately goes limp and sinks back down into the flooded hole.
Me: What did you do that for dummy?
David: Shut up stupid, I thought he was going to jump at me.
Me: Ugh, whatever. Now he's going to drown. We gotta get him out! Grab him.
David: No! You grab him! I don't want to catch smallpox!
I reached into the hole and pulled out the soggy, limp squirrel.
Me: Oh no, we're too late. He's dead.
David: No we can save him! Let's do CPR, I saw it on Rescue 911.
Me: Well, I already knew how to do CPR before you saw it on Rescue 911.
David: So do it then!
David held the squirrel's mouth open as I blew him breath and pumped his chest. After fifteen minutes, we gave up. The squirrel's lifeless body lay on the hot asphalt.
Me: Dude...you killed that poor squirrel!
David: I didn't kill him, you did. You don't even know how to do CPR!
Me: You're the idiot that hit him on the head!
David: Shut up moron, it was your fault.
Me: Whatever. I guess we have to give him a funeral now huh.
David: I guess.
We put the squirrel in the box that was going to be his home and buried him behind the church dumpster. We said a few words and apologized for ending his life (even though it was mostly David's fault).
We put a flower on his little grave every day until I moved.
posted by Cindy at
8:46 PM
6 Comments:
What a story! I can't believe that you actually gave the squirrel CPR - did you do the chest compressions? Because really that is what keeps 'em going.
Sorry this had to happen to you (well David did it) but how sweet that you laid the squirrel to rest and visited his grave everyday.
HAHA! CPR on a squirrel, that reminds me about Greys anatomy when Izzy gave CPR to a deer! That was sweet story :)
Squirrels carrying pneumonia??? Fantastic! We used to catch minnows and crayfish in the creek that ran behind my parents house ... I don't think we ever caught a squirrel, though.
There is NO WAY that story can be real. TOO funny! LMAO. If I believed that story was real, I would be telling all my friends, but then you'd get called by the ASPCA so let's just say it's not real, K?
Black plague. They carry that, too. Squirrels are one of the few ways left to get it.
Wow, that was depressing. Poor little bastard.
Still, impressive your cousin could hit such a tiny quick target as a...squirrel brain.
I remember the day the two of you killed that poor squirrel. The story was just as crazy then. CPR on a squirrel is nothing compared to the fire incident. ;-) Mom
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